Because Major General Mustang is a Total Pervert
by luluhrh
Summary: First attempt at smut-like stuff! Oh dear Truth... wish me luck! Features a horny Mustang, Fem!Ed (Edalia), Male!Winry (Winter), and a brief appearance of Fem!Al (Alleda)! Rated M for sexual content... sort of... Don't read this if you're innocent and would prefer to stay that way. Or if you don't approve of cursing. BROTHERHOOD-BASED! Love ya! lulu


**Oh dear Truth... first time writing something like this. You'll have to tell me if it's any good or not. Hope it is! Honestly, though, just be expecting a really terrible attempt at smut... or a lime. XD Anyway, wish me luck!**

**Audience: GOOD LUCK LULU!**

**Me: Aw, thanks! You guys are such sweethearts!**

**. . .**

**SUCH NERVES!**

**Roy: You'll do fine.**

**Me: Thanks. Now shoo, pervert.**

**Disclaimer: I often make my point about the unnecessary part of this that involves explaining the word "disclaimer." Honestly, it's not that hard to understand that I am NOT Hiromu Arakawa! I AM NOT THAT MUCH OF A GENIUS!**

**Now read and see how pervy the Colonel is when it comes to our favorite female version of our favorite alchemist...**

**Roy's POV**

It's always a struggle to stay focused when Edalia Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, walks into my office.

It's not her fault... well, actually, it's completely her fault. It's her fault for being a gorgeous, curvy, fiery blonde girl with a brain too large for her body (maybe it's compensating for her height... who knows?).

She didn't ask to be born like that. She just had the luck of having attractive parents.

I can't blame her parents, though. It's no fun. So Ed gets all the blame for herself.

Besides, some of the blame does reside with her. Really, how hard would it be for her to wear a less seductive outfit to work? I mean, really? Tight leather pants that are practically leggings? Form-fitting black jacket with white trim that had the top two buttons unbuttoned under her long red coat? Did this girl have no decency?

Take last week, for example. Fullmetal was giving an oral report about her latest mission and was ranting about the conditions there. I couldn't focus on her words, however. I was a little busy desperately trying NOT to ogle her breasts... or her slim waist... or her ass... or her perfect legs... or her full, pink lips... damn, there wasn't anywhere safe to look besides _away_.

If it was another girl, I wouldn't have minded. Hell, even with Riza it would have been okay.

But Fullmetal was twenty-one now. I was fourteen years her senior at thirty-five. These thoughts belonged to a pedophile, a pervert. I might have been the second, but I was most certainly not the first.

And yet... her figure was perfect. Her features were perfect. She practically begged to be stared at.

Other people around the base didn't mind staring. Fullmetal never noticed (damn her and her obliviousness), but when she passed by, tons of military men would turn their heads to follow her movement. They talked about her behind her back.

"Seen the Fullmetal today?"

"Have I? Hell yeah! Hot as ever!"

"And just imagine what else she's hiding under that cloak..."

"Yeah... under the clothes..."

Many men walked around with nosebleeds these days. Even I had trouble not being aroused when I heard these conversations. They'd just bring back memories.

That one time in the cafeteria. She dropped her fork and bent down to pick it up, muttering obscenities as she showed off her ass... right in front of me. It took all of my self control to not jump her.

In the gym, when she was fighting, and her tank top flew up as she flipped, revealing defined abs and just the bottom of her bra... again, I had to try desperately hard not to fuck her on the mats.

I wasn't even the only one in the office. Havoc had his eye on her, too. I saw it in the way he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, how his lip curled when she laughed at his jokes. Fuery seemed to have a bit of a crush, too, but for far more innocent reasons than Havoc. Havoc liked her 20% because of her personality and 80% because of her breasts.

And she never. Fucking. Noticed. Anybody. Staring.

She was completely oblivious. _Completely._

It was enough to drive anyone crazy with longing...

_ #$%^&*!_

_I was in my office. It was late. I was just getting ready to leave. Everyone else had already left._

_Except for..._

_"Roy?" a quiet voice asked._

_I turned around. It was Ed. She looked... nervous. She kept glancing at me, then looking away._

_"Yes, Edalia?" I asked softly, letting a seductive note worm its way into my tone._

_Ed blushed. "Well... you see, I think I... well, I..." She looked down, her face as red as her coat. "I think I like you."_

_I smiled at her embarrassment before gently lifting her chin so that her eyes met mine._

_Those golden orbs burned, but not in the way they usually did. This time, they were made hazy by lust._

_I met her lips with my own._

_Ed gasped and froze, allowing me access to her mouth. I probed it carefully, sweeping my tongue over every part of it. She tasted like honey and lemon, with a hint of mint from chewing the leaves earlier._

_Then, she began to respond. Her tongue pushed against mine, first hesitantly, then with more force as she gained confidence. Her hands gripped my uniform as I ran my hands through her hair._

_When she pulled away, gasping for air, I turned my attentions to the area under her ear, nipping and sucking at it. I gave it a quick nibble and was rewarded by a sharp intake of breath and a moan._

_That moan threw me into a frenzy. I attacked her mouth once more and felt her jump up and wrap her legs around me, rubbing herself against an ever-hardening spot._

_I stumbled forwards and deposited her on my couch, then pulled away to look at her for a moment._

_Her hair was a mess. Her clothes were rumpled. Her lips were swollen. She was panting, but she looked... incredible. Her eyes met mine, filled with longing. Incredible and extremely fuck-able._

_Leaning forward, I nipped and sucked at her neck, slowly trailing my lips down, past her collarbone, to the neck of her shirt. I swept my tongue at the opening and felt her inhale in surprise. I paused. When she did not resist, I slipped my hand up her shirt to fondle her breast._

_She gasped and moaned. "Mmm... Roy... don't stop... so good..."_

_I couldn't have stopped now, even if I wanted to. Even if she wanted me to, I couldn't have. I was too far gone. I'd wanted this since she'd turned fourteen._

_Slowly, carefully, my hands made their way to her belt buckle..._

_And then something rang._

_ #$%^&*!_

I jolted awake, panting, my pants far too tight for my liking.

_Great, _I thought to myself. _Asleep on the job. As if Riza didn't already have a good reason to kill me..._

Groaning and trying to imagine the least arousing image possible (I was stuck between Envy's true form and Armstrong in his undies), I picked up the phone. Damn it for waking me up...

"Hey, Colonel Bastard."

My eyes widened. "Fullmetal?"

Immediately my dream came back to me. My erection returned full force, just when I had finally defeated it.

"No, it's your grandmother, dumbass."

I cleared my throat. "Why did you call?"

"Oh, no reason." There was a loud noise from the phone. "OW! Watch it! Okay, so there is a reason. Alleda and I wanted to visit, and Winter came up, so he'll be coming with us. Besides, there's an announcement I need to make."

I frowned. An announcement? "Okay then. When will you be here?"

"Oh, half an hour or so."

"Uh-huh. I'll tell the team to expect you in two hours."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Oh, nothing..."

I could practically hear her rolling her eyes. "Whatever. So are we clear, Colonel Mustard?"

I scowled. "It's Major General now, Elric."

"Uh-huh, yeah, sure, whatever. You'll always be a Colonel to me, wet match. Bye-bye!" She hung up before I could retort.

I leaned back in my chair thoughtfully. An announcement... huh. Strange.

_ #$%^&*!_

To my surprise, Edalia, Alleda, and Winter really did walk in half an hour later. I'd told my team that they were visiting, so everyone greeted them with "Hi" and "What's up, Chief?" Ed nodded at them, smiling. Al and Winter grinned at the warm reception.

Havoc leaned forward over Ed. "So Chief, what's the big announcement?"

Winter stiffened. So did I. Havoc needed to get away from Ed _fast_ before I charbroiled him.

Ed glared up at him. "Move your ass."

Havoc chuckled and shrugged, moving a few steps back.

I relaxed. So did Winter.

I narrowed my eyes at Ed's automail mechanic. Winter Rockbell, with his sky blue eyes and straight, pale blonde hair and pierced ears. What right did he have to stiffen like that? Why was he so protective?

Ed rolled her eyes. "Weirdo. _Anyway_, I have a very important announcement, as Jean so kindly mentioned..."

I raised my eyebrows. _Jean?_ I didn't like the sound of that.

Winter, too, looked perturbed by the casual use of Havoc's first name.

_Why?_

"... so what I'm trying to say is..." Ed swallowed. Her eyes shone brightly with excitement. "Winter and I are engaged!"

.

.

.

What.

The.

Fuck.

My whole universe ad collapsed. Edalia Elric was being snatched from my grasp... by her _mechanic?_ What kind of logic was this? What did he have that I didn't? Why was he going to get to enjoy her attentions? Why would he get to satisfy his cravings for her while I sat and starved?

Havoc looked like he'd been run over by Ed in her platform boots. Fuery seemed resigned.

After a moment of silence, Riza said, "Congratulations, you two!"

As soon as she flashed them a rare smile, everyone flooded around them, wishing them congratulations. Al kind of stepped back, her face filled with fright at the thought of being caught in the crowd of my subordinates. Still, she looked happy for the pair.

When it was my turn, I fought hard to smile at Ed. "Nicely done, Fullmetal."

Ed smirked. It looked so very sexy. "Thanks, Colonel Bastard."

"Major General, Ed."

"Whatever."

I gave up and turned to Winter. My eyes hardened. Winter returned my glare firmly.

"You treat her right, you hear?" I said.

Winter nodded. "Of course. She's Ed. I wouldn't do anything less."

I nodded. "You're a lucky man, Rockbell. Many a man would give quite a lot to be in your place."

Winter smiled. "Oh, I know. I'm very lucky, Mr. Mustang."

And that was the end of my hope for being with Edalia Elric. Oh well. There are other women... and there's one strict, gun-happy blonde in particular who I have my sights set on... She's no Edalia, but she's not just anybody, either.

I suppose all this worked out, in the end.

I guess.

Doesn't mean I don't get dreams about Edalia anymore... but lately, I can't always tell if it's really Edalia... or if it's Riza.

It's probably Riza. I'm no pedophile.

I'm just a pervert.

**YAY! LIME-NESS!**

**Well? How did I do? I know, it kind of sucked, but I had fun! I think this idea is interesting. Ed is a completely GORGEOUS male specimen, so he'd be a completely GORGEOUS female specimen. And since men are naturally pigs (no offense to you non-pig men out there, but military men in Amestris are pigs), they would totally act like this. Pervs.**

**RFF, people! It may be a one-shot, but reviews are still appreciated!**

**The word of the day is QUIXOTIC! Hey, this kind of describes Mustang when he was in Ishbal! Cool! Look it up, guys. It's kind of perfect for when Mustang when still a foolish, idealistic idiot.**

**Love ya! lulu**


End file.
